I am a doubtful person. It stems from a childhood of broken promises and stolen control. I don’t take things at face value. I know there’s more. Even if what’s facing me is the truth, I know there’s more truth behind it. I’ve become such a doubtful person it impacts my facial features. I’m better at it now, but look close enough and you’ll see a quick flash of a bland stare, maybe even and slight squint of my eyes. I have never accepted things for what they are, I have never trusted anyone completely, I have always had constant inner monologue full of suspicion running through my head.

I do realize this is a horrible way to go through life, by the way. I don’t take pleasure in being suspicious of every person and every event in my life. It’s exhausting to be honest. I would stop, but at this point I don’t really know how.

I did try to be the opposite of doubtful for a while, and it actually worked. It had nothing to do with any effort on my part, but instead had all to do with people in my life during that time. They complimented my work and creativity, and when I asked, “Really?” they firmly told me if they didn’t think so they wouldn’t have said it. Some even said, “If you were bad I would let you know.” and I could tell they were being honest. Mostly because I had actually seen them tell someone else they weren’t good at something. I appreciate this kind of people. These people told me things and  followed through. They said and did things that left little to no room for misinterpretation or doubt. I was letting go of this doubtful persona, of this constantly suspicious mind sent. Finally!

And then it all blew up in my face.

Getting over my doubt was like walking a tightrope. One step at a time, stopping every now and then to take a breath and find my balance, and scary as heck. But I was doing it. I was walking that tightrope and the other end was so close. And then a strong wind came in the form of one sentence from someone in my life and it knocked me over.

I think I might still be hanging on. Kind of like the opening scene from Ace Ventura 2 with the racoon. In this metaphor I think I’m the racoon, but am not sure who Ace Ventura represents. My sanity? My hopes and dreams? Or maybe Ace Ventura represents Ace Ventura and I have a lot more to worry about than my doubtful nature.

ace-ventura-raccoon-scene

If I still am hanging on I’m definitely looking down thinking how sucky it would be to fall but also how easy it would be to just let go. Let go and re-enter the world I’m so familiar with, but that’s so far from the world I want to be in.

There’s no real conclusion to this. Not one I can see anyway. These are my thoughts and I don’t know what to do with them other than write them down. Maybe my thoughts might mirror your thoughts, or the thoughts of someone you love. If that’s the case, know you’re not alone.

Til next time.

Much Love. Always.

– Sam